“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
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Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.