When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
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If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.