Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
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When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?