Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
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If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee