Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
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OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Mad Max Arctic Road
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
😎 🍻
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together