I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
You Might Also Like
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes