knights of the ikea table
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California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
The pen is writier than the sword.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
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bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.