Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
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Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October