I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
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No, YOUR illiterate.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Pat is about to own someone
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.