cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
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I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”