Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
You Might Also Like
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.