Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
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I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
#winning
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex