Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
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when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes