<—- homeless romantic
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Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
subtitles are so good nowadays
Software Development ⛵️
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.