Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Many hands make light work
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.