Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
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*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”