Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
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Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I don’t think my car can fly
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!