Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
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18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers