My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
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every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work