Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
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1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Customize Your Wedding.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic