Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
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Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.