I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
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*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*