My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I feel seen.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Passwords are more important than ever.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
pizza
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle