When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
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walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS