Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
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Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers