Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
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My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness