Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
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6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
groan^2
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.