Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
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After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one