The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
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ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
What a chick magnet..
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.