[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
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My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.