Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
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anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
no cat here
Personal question. #JustSaying
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.