I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Wednesday
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.