If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
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my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.