[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
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Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
How do you milk an almond?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
These aliens are taking forever.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.