I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
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a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
🙁
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.