It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
You Might Also Like
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??