Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
You Might Also Like
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Me if I was a dog
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Yup.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
the rocks need my help
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass