“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
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“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Baller is short for ballerina
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.