The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*