Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
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Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.