How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
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I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.