[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
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Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?