Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
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My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
much to think about
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
August 8
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.