Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
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Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I hate my earbuds.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke