My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
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When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.