Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
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(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
This is amazing.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Put my back out twerking in the library again
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I love the National Park Service.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch