I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
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“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
a public service announcement
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.