WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
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Weirdly Wednesday.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.