Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
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Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed