Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
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I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
*bites zombie*
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.